written in typical Max Power style !

My old gran was fed up with her pre-war shopping trolley. None of the old f***s down the mission wanted to get wanted to get inside her hip huggers while she ran around in that old thing, so she dumped it and bought a Fiat Cinquecento Sporting trolley instead. Immeadiately her sex life changed for the better. To get the old f***s revved-up she no longer had to hoist up her skirt and show 'em her t**s. Nope, all she had to do was shuffle past in her new chinky trolley and bingo - they all wanted a piece of the wrinkly action (God what a horrible thought - RS).
The Chinky Sporting is funky looking midget in standard form but it looks even better with the ultra-cool Abarth body mods. Abarth is without doubt one of the most street cred names you can associate with modifying and styling, but boy did we laugh (and poor granny's pacemaker nearly blew a fuse) when we heard how much Fiat were charging for these styling goodies. JBS in Manchester came to the rescue with a £100 saving over the price Fiat were quoting. She fitted the skirts and roof spoiler herself and then tinted the windows with black film - and she did a top job for someone whose hands shake like a rattlesnakes tail. All she needed then was a tasty set of alloys so off she went in search. Two weeks after leaving her flat she reached Wheelbase in Oldham and ordered a new set of rubber bungs for her Zimmer and some MIM Venice 14in wheels. A set of 195 Yokohama tyres help to fill out the arches with a little help from the Pi lowering springs Granny fitted herself.
But with all the ICE she's fitted, I am not sure the springs are needed at the back. Theres a pair of 12" earthquake subs in the boot powered by a Philips DAP650 amp, but its just as well 'cos Granny's so deaf you could stick the a**e of a flatulent Rhino next to her face and all she'd hear is a gentle autumn breeze. the 6" rear Sony's are hidden behind a layer of acoustic cloth and tucked into a false MDF panel Granny made herself. These 140W speakers are powered by a Kenwood 523. Moving up front, three-way components with tweeters and 6" mids. These are mounted on another piece of covered MDF, again made by Granny. She's good with her hands well thats what Grandpa used to say, anyway....
The original dash mounted speakers have been replaced with Kenwood 4" items - all these items powered by a great looking Rockford Fosgate Punch 40 amp mounted in the boot. The CD head unit is also made by Kenwood (methinks Granny has a thing about Kenwood), and the Alpine 12-Band graphic is locked away from thieving b******sand hidden in the ashtray.
As we followed Chinky to the supermarket we could hear the ICE from at least 20 metres away, and as we sat behind it at the lights you could see the whole rear end swelling with bass. Things have moved on since the wireless 'aint they Gran ?.
Not long after I wrote this I heard some sad news about Granny. Apparently she's been rambling on about fitting a Punto GT engine and six-speed 'box. These are quite clearly the final sad words of a demented old biddy and I have to agree with the decision to put her in a home. May you rest in drool.... MP

Tech Spec Paul Elder's Fiat Cinquecento Sporting
Engine: 1108cc, 4-Cylinder, 8-Valve; K&N Air Filter, SplitFire plugs; Janspeed exhaust with twin upswept DTM tailpipes.
Transmission: Standard 5-speed gearbox - sorry
Suspension: Pi lowering springs
Brakes: Standard brakes; rear drums painted with red Folia Tec
Wheels and Tyres: MIM Venice 6x14's with Yokohama 195x45 rubber
Bodywork: Abarth Side skirts and roof spoiler, tinted windows
Interior: Amp and Volt meter, red anodised drilled pedals (from Demon Tweeks), Steering wheel from Automotif
ICE: Sony CDX5090 head unit, Alpine ERE-180 12-band Graphic, Rockford Fosgate Punch 40 Amp, Philips DAP650 amp, Kenwood523 amp, Power Connections fuse boxes, Kenwood3-way 6" door speakers with tweeters, dash mounted 160W(peak) Kenwood 4" speakers, Sony 6" 2-way coaxial 140W rear speakers, two Earthquake 12" 260W subs in the boot
Security: Lots !
Performance: Max power 58bhp
Many thanks to the present owners of the car who supplied this article to me, see both the Picture Gallery & Owners Picture Gallery for photo's (original and present day) or select this link for a complete scan of the original article (filesize 695k).

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