4 Year Old Pizza

Ingredients

TOPPINGS
Button Mushrooms, stuffed olives, ham, chopped up sausages, red pepper, sweet corn, 
peas, pepperami, baked beans - anything they like, really Dried mixed herbs
Grated half fat cheese (about an oz & a half)
BASE
Standard pizza base
SAUCE
Jar of tomato base sauce eg ragu

Method

1. Put on an apron, stand on a chair and wash your hands at the kitchen sink 
(remembering that water feels much happier if it gets to go on the floor instead of 
down the sink). Remind mum not to go near the hot oven. which she turned up to 
200 degrees.
2. Get mum to chop the vegetables into interesting shapes. Complain about not 
being allowed to do the cutting up.
3. Wrestle the pizza base out of the packet. Using a butter knife, spread 
the tomato sauce artistically over yourself (and the pizza, if there's any left)
4. Get diverted because it's raining and there might be a flood in the front garden.
5. Come back and count all the toppings Decide if you want to do a picture of,
a face, a number, just a pattern or something. Hey, it's your pizza.
6. Arrange the toppings on the pizza. Remember to drop at least a third of them on 
the floor and pretend it's someone else's fault.
7. Get mum to grate some cheese, and remind her not to eat it all because it's very 
fattening, and she used to be thin before she had you. Sprinkle the cheese on the pizza, 
table,  and any nearby domestic animals. Empty mum's. new tub of mixed herbs over the 
top of the pizza, table etc.
8. Complain loudly about not being allowed to put the pizza in the oven. Wait 30 seconds 
and ask if it's ready Carry on asking every two and a half minutes, until the pizza's been 
cooking for about 20 minutes and mum says the cheese is melted.
9. Ask mum to get it out of the oven and cut it up. Remind her that she's cut it up the 
wrong way. Sulk until it's cool enough to eat.
10. Express your deep satisfaction with this lovely pizza by spreading it over your 
clothing the sofa and the back of mum's trousers.
11. Go to bed happy, healthy and smelling faintly of tomatoes.

Mary and Ellen

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